Confessions of a Billiard

Written by Jeff Neisler
"I really just need to get this off my chest and the only good reason is some psycho babble I once heard about confession bringing about healing … bla …. bla…bla. Anyway I’ve began to be completely annoyed by my owner’s constant need to bring new pipes into the rack.

"I just can’t understand why he needs another when he already has the perfect pipe. Just look at me. Perfect posture, a perfectly proportioned body and shank, equal amounts of wood from every angle of the bowl, I just don’t get it.
"Don’t get me wrong I’m not necessarily a racist; I am just beginning to get annoyed by all this diversity. Just take a look at some of owner’s recent pipe acquisitions. For example, he calls one his “bulldog” and I’m thinking, 'Are you kidding me?' He looks more like a fat puppy with that bulging waistline and just look at the angles of his shank… perfection he ain’t.
"But the one that really got me steamed was when owner recently (in what he gleefully likes to call his PAD) added one he calls his “prince.” Now that one really stuck in my crawl. With that short fat stubby bowl I’d call him anything but a “prince;” maybe a frog would be a better name.
"Anyway, I rant. All I really crave is more of my owner’s attention, the warmth of a fine bowl of Virginia coursing through my veins… but alas it seems like most days now I just get to sit here and breathe more of that damned fresh air.
"Well anyway, I better shut up or he’s gonna go out and bring a stupid looking blowfish home."