Sunday, April 25, 2010

And now for something completely different...

It all started with Neil Patrick Harris, this little idea of mine. It started when his character, Barney Stnison, created the "Bro Code," which has since been turned into a book for sale at retailers everywhere. Then there came "Man Law," which, like the "Bro Code," is  a witty and insightful look into the relationships between men, renamed, however, to settle for accusations of copying while avoiding accusations of copy-write infringement. So today, I add only a small twist on this tried and true form of humor and introspection by introducing "Smoker Law."
The list that follows is, hopefully, not definitive. This is a preliminary list of laws from my own twisted mind. During Thursday's meeting of The Ozark Pipe Smokers, I will be soliciting additions and revisions to the list. The collaboration will continue with the members of Pipe Chat throughout the month of May. At the beginning of June, I hope to offer a definitive list, although I will still be more than happy to supplement "Smoker Law" at anytime.
Now, with all the formalities out of the way, I give you the preliminary "Smoker Law."

1. If the purpose of your gathering is, in part or in whole, the use and consumption of tobacco, any tobacco product or accessory on the table may be used by anyone in attendance. A smoker who uses another's tobacco need not ask permission but must offer some commentary on the blend. Pipes are excluded from general use but may be fondled and ogled at any time, again with commentary.

2. Anyone given a standing offer to help himself or herself to a friend's tobacco need never ask for permission. However, it is still necessary to acknowledge the taking of said tobacco. A simple "I stole a cigar" shall suffice.

3. Matches and lighters should be shared without hesitation, but a smoker should only hold the lighter while lighting for a member of the opposite sex.

4. It is permissable to share pipes but not encouraged. Those sharing should be family or closer.

5. Corncob pipes are still pipes, unless they are from China.

6. When showing off a new pipe, it is permissible to comment on its uniqueness, its craftsmanship, or the ridiculously low price paid for it. It is not acceptable to show off a new pipe to brag about how much you spent or how impressive a pipe you can afford. The exception occurs if said pipe purchase cause your divorce. Then anything goes.

7. It is only acceptable to encourage Pipe Acquisition Disorder (PAD) and Tobacco Acquisition Disorder (TAD). Such compulsive purchases may never be discouraged.

8. Pipes, cigars and cigarettes may be used as pointers to enhance a discussion or monologue, or in physical expression of general pontification.  They may never be used as swords. Pretending they are lightsabers may result in expulsion from the social group or place of business.

9. Smokers should make a good faith effort to use tobacco away from non-smokers, but as soon as someone pretends to cough, the smoker is allowed to pretend to ignore the cougher. This is doubly true if the tobacco is unlit, in which case, the smoker may blow pretend smoke in the cougher's face.

10. Any pipe or cigar smoker living within 50 miles of a locally owned tobacconist specializing in his or her tobacco of choice must patronize the business at least four times per year. Within 10 miles, it shall be monthly at a minimum.

11. Any smoker insisting others use any high-end product, be it pipe or cigar or tobacco or accessory, should supply it. Anyone not willing to buy his friends a Dunhill needs to keep quiet about them.

12. When it comes to tobacco-fueled social gatherings, if it is not a lie, it's not worth telling.

Anyone reading this blog entry should feel free to add his or her own laws in the comments section. While there will be more official solicitations of feedback, inspiration should never be let go to waste.


  1. Outstanding, these essays should be compiled and hard copied for future miscreants. Three stars are all they allow so three is what I give;funny, interesting and cool.

  2. Nice. I will share these laws with my buddies at my local cigar/pipe club. We often ask each other to use accessories like lighters or cutters. But, these rules set forth situations in which there is unspoken approval for sharing. Oh, I don't share pipes and also discourage this practice.